Book Review: “The Sociopath Next Door”, Martha Stout

By Martha Stout

Reviewed by David L. Perkins, Jr.

Life is a struggle. Why so much violence? Hurt? Poverty? Deception? Greed? Delusion?

What is it, you say? Why focus on the negative when there’s so much good all around?

True, our world is also filled with love, health, hope, care, generosity, sanity. All of these rest — at least in part — on our ability to hold tight to the “good” that is and is possible. But is there also value in acknowledging the “bad?” Is there value in, at least on occasion, viewing the underbelly and pondering why it exists in such abundance?

Ignoring it does not make it go away. If we all just “focus on the positive,” would we have social workers? Homeless shelters? Psychologists? Doctors? District attorneys? Prisons?

My most recent gaze into the abyss was compliments of an employee who swindled me. Six figures’ worth. This guy was G.O.O.D. good. He worked me over like I was a mental midget.

Nothing saps your energy like getting scammed, you know? Like getting taken advantage of? It makes you question everything — your instincts, intellect, friends, work, maybe even your creator. Why is evil allowed to exist, seemingly flourish and often win over the diligent, caring and just?

A compassionate friend gave me a copy of a book titled The Sociopath Next Door. “One in twenty-five ordinary Americans secretly has no conscience,” the cover reads. These people “can do anything at all without feeling guilty.”

I read it. It helped.

The Sociopath Next Door was written by a clinical psychologist who served for 25 years on the faculty of the Department of Psychology at Harvard Medical School. She apparently has spent her life studying and working with sociopaths, psychopaths and their victims.

What You Need to Know

There are people in our world, lots of them, who are very different from you and me. They look normal and even act normally in most ways, but most definitely are not. They have absolutely no conscience. They are incapable of basic feelings of care, love and compassion. They are not this way by choice, rather they are born this way, wired this way. They are not bound by the same rules that govern our lives: rules of fairness, respect, honor and commitment. Much to the contrary, they want only for themselves.

Sociopaths can and do lie artfully and consistently to get what they want, which is basically wealth, ease and/or simply the pleasure of removing from you those things they wish they had and envy in you (such as true friends, self-respect, trust and faith).

Fail to recognize that these people are around you — at work, at school, in your neighborhoods and your homes — and you will fall victim. They will take hold of you and rob you of things you hold dear. They will use your sense of moral obligation, commitment and compassion against you to get what they want from you.

How to Spot the Sociopath

Apart from knowing someone well for many years, there’s no foolproof decision rule or litmus test for trustworthiness. You must

acknowledge this fact.

Also, spotting the sociopath is very difficult. Even experts have a hard time. Sociopaths do not look like criminals or crazy people. More typically, they’re charming, well-dressed and well-mannered. They cloak themselves in respectability, tend to seek positions of authority and are deft at appearing kind and interested in you.

According to Dr. Stout, the most reliable way to spot the sociopath is the pity play. That is their appeal for sympathy, typically using tears.

Another good clue is righteous indignation. When these people sense you may be onto them, they scold you for questioning. Accuse you of being uncaring, uncompassionate and unaccommodating.

How to Avoid the Sociopath

Sociopaths have no guilt or shame, and so easily dupe us because of our faulty belief that all people have a conscience. That is, we naturally assume that people are all like us. And so, we are unable or unwilling to believe that a person near us could act without conscience. We repeatedly endure illogical, insensitive, cruel and selfish behavior by telling ourselves that the perpetrator is sick or having difficulty and in need of help. Or better yet, we allow them to convince us that we are the reason that things are this way. Either way, we end up helping them and/or tolerating them.

But sociopaths DO know they are different. They know they have no regard for the social contract, but they keenly know how to use it to their advantage.

What You Can Do About It

The best thing you can do is refuse to tolerate repeated instances of insensitive, selfish and/or cruel behavior. Once, okay. Twice, maybe. Three times, see ya later. Detach and get them out of your life.

Dr. Stout says: “Pity and sympathy are forces for good when they are reactions to deserving people who have fallen on misfortune. But when these sentiments are wrested out of us by the undeserving, by people whose behavior is consistently antisocial, this is a sure sign that something is wrong.”

Keep in mind, sociopaths are not curable and there is no end — and will be no end — to their neediness and usury. So don’t waste your time. Don’t waste your life.

Moreover, when you observe a sociopath influencing many for ill, stand up. Studies show that, especially when the maniac is in a position of authority, most people will remain quiet. Think Hitler. Remember, Albert Einstein once said:

“The world is a dangerous place to live, and not because of the evil ones, but because of the people that don’t do anything about it.”